


Picking Up the Pieces

by angelt626



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes mentioned - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 16:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14814869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelt626/pseuds/angelt626
Summary: Losing someone you love is never easy. Not knowing if they’re dead or alive? It’s just as difficult and hurts just as much.





	Picking Up the Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> For Cheryl. I hope you like it!

The group trudged slowly back toward the palace, their hearts heavy and minds exhausted from battle.

They’d lost, in more ways than one. The victory that they’d vainly hoped for before everything went to hell was never going to happen, and they had to figure out where to go next. There was, however, things to do before they could, one of the most important being cataloguing those who were gone.

They all looked up to the sight of Shuri standing at the foot of the peak, her eyes flickering over them as she searched for a face as familiar to her as her own. “Okoye…where is he?” None of them had to ask who she was referring to.

Okoye stepped forward, completely unsure of what to say. She’d failed in her duty; failed her home, her country, her king, the man she’d sworn to protect at all costs, and she had let him down. “He is…” she broke off, her voice clotted thick with emotion and unable to speak as her eyes pooled with somber tears. She bowed her head in silent obeisance to her new queen, falling to one knee at the woman before her, answering with her actions what her voice could not.

Shuri took a disbelieving step backward, her mouth seemingly open in horror, disbelief, and a silent plea for someone, anyone, to recall the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Steve moved forward, taking over for her, his heart aching not just for the two of them, but for himself and his friends. He hated what he was going to have to say with every part of his being. He’d had to deliver news like this before, had been on the receiving end of it before. The memory of having to deliver the news that Bucky had fallen from the train to his death to the rest of the Howling Commandos still made his heart clench. Now, it twisted painfully in his chest as he thought of the fact that he’d lost Bucky. Again. It wasn’t fair that they’d found each other only to be ripped apart once more. His eyes met Shuri’s, hers already filling with tears. “Shuri, I’m sorry. He’s d—He’s gone. T’Challa is gone.” He watched as her chin wobbled, afraid of what she was going to ask.

“And Sergeant—Bucky, is he…?”

It was Natasha who answered her this time, for which Steve was grateful; the lump in his throat was doing him no favors. To anyone who didn’t know her, her voice seemed collected, but he knew better: even though he was more exhausted than he’d ever been, there was a hitch he could hear in the cadence of her speaking that belied her feelings. “James is…yes. He’s gone also.”

Shuri let out a sharp exhalation of grief, wrapping her arms around herself as she cried. Steve closed his eyes tightly for a moment, attempting to gather himself. “I’m so sorry, Shuri. We’ll figure out what happened to them, to everyone, and get them back if we can. I promise.”

“I appreciate the thought, Captain, very much, but my brothers are most likely dead if they are no longer with us.”

“We don’t know that. We lost, yes, but being that you’re a scientist, and from what I hear, one of the best, if not the best, let’s get a confirmation on if they’re dead or not before we declare that. In the meantime, we’re all going to regroup and take some time to…gain our bearings. Okay?” Steve asked softly, looking around at the entire group. When no one objected, he took the lead up the tall, steep staircase built into the side of the peak. He wasn’t losing his friends, his family, without a fight to know what had happened.

 

————————————————————————————

 

What seemed like days later but in reality was only a matter of hours, Steve collapsed in a heap on the couch in the quarters he’d been given. It had taken some time, but he’d managed to get ahold of Tony, which had been an extremely awkward conversation, to no one’s surprise. They’d planned to rendezvous together at the edge of the barrier in the morning. The only thing Steve wanted now was to curl up and sleep for at least a week.

_Knock, knock, knock._

His brain and body were too tired to immediately process that it was Natasha standing on the other side of his door, so he was shocked (albeit not entirely) to see her standing there. She’d done the same as he had as soon as they’d both been able: showered and changed. He’d felt more than a bit gross having to wear his uniform while they took care of things, but he hadn’t complained. Now, he smiled sadly at her as he leaned against the frame. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Is everything okay?”

“I sincerely hope that that is a rhetorical question, Steve,” she replied drily.

“Smart aleck. You know what I’m asking,” he chided gently, exhaling a weary breath.

She held up a large bottle of vodka. “I figured we could both use this.”

“You didn’t go see Bruce first? I’m surprised, with how cozy you two are.”

“More like how we were. That was…something resembling a mistake. I’d rather have a drink with a friend, if that’s all right.”

He moved and held his arm out behind him, waited for her to slip past, closed the door behind her. Steve retreated into the small kitchen and emerged with two glasses and multiple juices. At her raised brow, “Just something to cut it with.”

“Coward. It’s not like you can actually get drunk.”

“Believe me, I wish I could. More than anything,” he sighed, taking a seat next to her on the plush couch and placing the glasses on the table in front of them. “And it’s not like you won’t take advantage of having the juice available.”

“That’s fair. And I’m certain we’re tied on which of us wishes more that they could get drunk,” she replied somberly, pouring them both drinks, sliding one over to him.

He nodded slowly as he picked up his glass, having noticed that she poured more vodka in it than she had juice. “To our friends, old and new, and may we be able to find them and bring them home,” he clinked his glass against hers.

“You really believe that? That he…they’re still out there, somewhere?” She was so quiet, he nearly wondered if she’d said anything.

“I do. I have to, anyway. Otherwise, they’re all dead and I just…I’m not sure I’m okay with that idea right now, or ever, but mainly now.”

“I wish I could have the optimism you do.”

“You think they’re all dead?”

“If they aren’t, what force on Earth could make them all disappear like that?” she retorted, taking a large sip of her drink.

Steve shook his head. “That’s the thing; from what Thor told me, it doesn’t sound like the Infinity Stones are from Earth; they just exist.”

“Definitely didn’t get any training to prepare for this Harry Potter nonsense.”

“Nope.”

Natasha’s eyebrows rose into her hairline. “How do you even know about that?”

“I was asleep for years and I’m a quick study. You seem surprised that I’d want to catch up on the things I missed out on.”

“More that you’re caught up on that specifically. Other things, not so much.”

They sat side by side closely on the couch in companionable silence for some time, both of them finishing their drinks and going back for seconds.

“So what’s the deal with you and Buck?” Steve eventually asked as he finished making his.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Nat. I’m practically one hundred, that doesn’t mean I’m blind. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I know you were just as upset about Bucky earlier as I was. And you called him James, which no one else does. What is he to you?” 

Natasha bit her lip as she was quiet for a moment. “My history with him is…complicated, as much as I hate that word. And long.”

“I’ve got some time.”

“You can’t get upset; you are asking,” she emphasized.

“Scout’s honor.”

“Were you actually a—“

“Stop stalling, Romanoff. Out with it. I won’t get upset. I’ll try not to, anyway.”

She nodded slowly. “That’s fair. You already know that when everything in DC happened that wasn’t the first time I met him.”

“Yeah, you’d mentioned a mission in Odessa.”

“That…wasn’t the first time I’d met him either. We knew each other in the Red Room. He…he was my trainer there.”

“He what?”

“And we were together.”

“He was your…And you two were…together together?”

“Is there another definition for together I need to be made aware of?” she retorted wryly.

“Sorry, I’m just…kinda having a hard time wrapping my head around it, that’s all,” he replied, his eyes distant.

“I don’t expect you to understand it.”

Steve clenched his jaw, trying not to get angry. “No, I understand it. What I don’t get is why you didn’t tell me that day on the truck when you knew about him.”

To her credit, if she noticed his change in mood, she didn’t say a word. “And say what? ‘Hey Steve, I’m glad we’re both still alive. And oh, by the way, the guy trying to kill us is my ex-lover. Let’s take down Hydra and SHIELD because the organization we used to work for is corrupt now’? That would have gone over well.”

“You’ve been spending too much time around Bobbi and Clint.”

“I’ll make sure to tell them you think they’re such bad influences on me,” she teased lightly.

“They already know, you see how well that’s stopped them,” he sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair. “I just…I thought you trusted me is all.”

She bent her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “That was never the issue, Steve. Ever. As cliché as it sounds, you weren’t the problem; I was. I couldn’t…I still had a hard time just thinking about him, let alone contemplating telling someone that we used to be lovers. That the Red Room tortured him because we were involved, and made me watch.”

“They what?”

“Love is for children, they would say. Attachments made you weak and caused a distraction in the field. It was also easier to be sent on and perform Alexandra missions that way.” At his confused look, she elaborated. “Missions where an agent was required to seduce a target, long or short term, for any number of reasons, but usually for information and proximity that allowed for access to places they wouldn’t normally be able to get to.”

“Jesus, Nat. That’s awful.”

“That was life in the Red Room. Your choices were the mission of the week or death. You can guess what I chose, every single time,” she told him, her tone full of bitterness and rage.

Steve pulled her into his arms, hugging her fiercely. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. I wish I’d known. I would have gotten you out.”

“You couldn’t have, and if you had, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I don’t have very many regrets, Steve, but one that I do have is that I didn’t leave with James. We talked about it more than once, but we never took that leap,” Nat replied as she moved away with a sad smile, her head hovering over his shoulder uncertainly. He tugged at her gently in response, pleased when she snuggled in close.

“I wish you could’ve gotten that chance. You both deserve to be happy.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?” he arched an eyebrow. “I’m fine.”

“I call bullshit, Rogers. You’re not fine; you’re sitting here with me, in a foreign but previously considered to be poverty stricken country, drinking Russian vodka and you didn’t even ask me how I managed to keep ahold of it while being on the run. You’re anything but fine. So talk.”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s clearly something,” she frowned, looking at him intently.

“You’re creeping me out.”

“Am I supposed to feel bad?”

Steve sighed, taking a large gulp from his glass. “If I tell you, will you stop looking at me like that?”

“That depends. You planning on lying to me?”

“No, I’ll be honest,” he nudged her.

She laid her head back on his shoulder. “I’m all ears.”

“I...you weren’t the only one that cared about Bucky. As well...you know.”

“As more than friends, you mean?” she said softly, sipping at her drink.

“Yeah.”

“Did you ever tell him?”

“There wasn’t ever a right time, Nat. Not really. And then when there was, he wasn’t there. Plus I didn’t want to make things weird or make him feel like he had to reciprocate them. It wouldn’t have been fair to him.”

“So the fact that it was practically illegal when you were growing up had nothing to do with it?” He gave her an arch look. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“It wasn’t something you talked about, ever. Sex was considered a taboo subject and you definitely didn’t talk about your feelings if you were a guy, not back then.”

“Things have changed. You both have. I don’t think it would have been weird.”

“You know something I don’t?” he asked, suddenly curious.

“I know he cared for you, very much.”

“You could tell that just from looking at him?”

“Looking at the two of you together, yes. But also, in what he told me, which I’m not sharing as he told me in confidence. Just know that he...he cared very deeply for you.”

“I know he cared for you, too. He didn’t say as much, and we didn’t get a chance to really talk about it, but I know he did. I’m sorry you lost him.”

“We both did, Steve. And now we have to try and see if we can get him back.”

“You serious?”

“Yes. I’ve given it some thought, and I’m with you on this. Worst case scenario, we already know about. Best case scenario, he’s alive and still exists; we get him back from wherever he went off to and we both give him hell before we tell him how much we missed him.”

“And how you feel?”

“He already knows how I feel. We were taking things slow. And if there’s anybody that should be telling James how they feel, it’s you.”

“What if he doesn’t…?”

“Then you accept it and move on, but I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that. If he does feel the same way, we can...talk about it. Okay?”

“Didn’t know there was now a ‘we’ to worry about,” Steve grinned shyly.

“There’s no reason we have to fight over him, is there?”

He was quiet for a long moment, assessing what it was he wanted and what she was implying. Steve had been slightly attracted to her from the moment he’d met her, but she’d scared him just enough to make him reconsider being interested. To his surprise, those feelings had gone away the more time he’d spent with her, being replaced with an overwhelming sense of admiration, respect, and a deeper attraction. She reminded him of Peggy: fierce, strong, loyal, stubborn as hell, and brave. He’d thought when she was trying to set him up with other women within SHIELD that she just wasn’t interested in him, but he’d been more than wary of letting her know how he felt. With the lives they led, it didn’t seem fair to anyone. It was past time that he be a bit more honest with her. “He might not be the one being fought over.”

“Oh. What about Sharon?” She looked up at him, trying to keep the surprise off of her face.

“We went out a few times, and I like her; she’s wonderful, but being on the run makes it hard to maintain a relationship. If things were different, I’d definitely consider it, but I didn’t want to string her along, so it’s nothing serious.”

“...Are you telling me you’re fuck buddies with Sharon Carter?”

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that.”

Her eyes widened almost comically. “Boshe moi, you _are_! I didn’t think you two were serious but Bobbi thought you might be.”

“You bunch of gossips. Don’t you have anything better to do with your time?” he sighed.

“Than wonder about your sex life? No, it’s too much fun and we both have plenty of free time on our hands. Thank you for that,” she preened happily.

“Feeling better?”

She elbowed him in the side tenderly. “Getting there, but it’ll be awhile. And as long as there’s nothing to wreck, we’re good.”

“There really isn’t. You know I would say something if there was.”

“I don’t know; you’re a different man now than you were. Sure about that?”

Steve pinched her hip with a rueful shake of his head, wondering what he was getting into even as he wrapped an arm around her. “Very.”

“Good to know,” she smiled as she curled up close, sipping her beverage. “What do we do now?”

“We’re going to get all of our friends back, but for now, I say we finish our drinks.”

“Sounds like a plan. To saving our friends.”

“To saving the world.”

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place post I’d still choose you and in the same verse.


End file.
